Whose dream bf is it anyway

Every day that the main character on Twitter isn’t Trump, Musk, or a serial murderer is a win for humanity. And so, one Wednesday when Trump started trending on the side tab, Cooper bravely stepped into the breach with this:

Some people ran with the bit, many were indignant at the presumption of having a 13-item checklist, others got mad without knowing exactly why they did so.

I got a bit sad too reading that list. Not because it’s unrealistic or insulting or inappropriate, but because it’s basically:

Every single item on it is a visible trait that would be considered high status and date-worthy by every single person in Coop’s social circle. Even the two hobbies of “running and reading” are the two main differentiators of the educated coastal class that Coop is part of.

[I’m going to keep talking about “Coop” in this post mainly as a stand-in for everyone whose sincere “dream bf” list is similar to the above. I don’t know the actual person behind the anonymous @enlightenedcoop account (though we’ve been mutuals for a while), and don’t know if she herself tweeted this sincerely or jokingly or jokingly-but-not-really.]

Think of what the opposite of this list would read like: not tall, not rich, not my age, not entertaining, not legibly successful, not visibly part of my class… Could a guy like that still be a great boyfriend? Of course! The main difference is that Coop would have to explain why he’s actually a great boyfriend upon introducing him to anyone she knows. Her actual list describes, first and foremost, immediate social approval.

And it’s not that men like this are too rare, or out of Coop’s league, or already all married by 30. It’s that none of them are looking for a girlfriend who likes them because they are tall and rich and impressive. Nothing on Coop’s list makes it her list, one that couldn’t be copy-pasted with equal results by any other woman of her age, location, and standing.

And most importantly, nothing on the list hints at a relationship. It doesn’t describe anything Coop wants to do together with her “dream bf”, or how they would make each other happy, or what sort of relationship they would make together. It describes a man who’s very fuckable; it says nothing of fucking him.

I imagine a woman with such a list meeting a man of similar inclination. The wedding is a bit too expensive; all their NYC friends show up but few from their hometowns make the trip. Now married, he works later and later with each promotion but never misses the gym afterward. She works too, and speaks at events, and her calendar fills up with networking and social events. They look great, especially on Instagram. They are impeccably impressive, basking in the glow of status reflected on each other.

They haven’t spoken to each other in months. Simply too busy, what can you do?

Here’s Scott Alexander summarizing a long post on “hypergamy” research, emphasis mine:

Educational hypergamy has gone into reverse. Now that women dominate education, they’re actively seeking less educated men, and vice versa. This seems to be because educational imbalances in favor of women have become normative; education is now a “proper” “feminine” trait.

In contrast, income hypergamy is still widespread, important, and causing problems for non-compliers. Is the norm weakening over time? It’s hard to tell.

Despite this, men and women display an equal and stunning degree of class homogamy. Men may use their class-based market value to purchase a little more education in a mate, and women to purchase a little more income, but both genders consider class first and foremost.

Looks don’t seem to figure into this at all. There’s not much trade of better looks for higher income. Instead, each quadrant in the (rich, poor) x (pretty, ugly) matrix pairs off with itself.

That’s the ultimate irony of this whole business. Everyone is obsessed with their partners looks and class, and then everyone inevitably marries a looks-matched member of their own class. Class conformity is enforced by everyone in the couple’s social circle and so is SMV conformity, with little wiggle room for eccentricity.

It’s not that looks and status don’t matter, it’s that focusing on looks and status as one’s dating strategy is perfectly pointless.

I find it hard to imagine that someone like Coop has been endlessly dating 5’6″ working class guys who love hunting and malt liquor and has just recently realized that these aren’t her cup of tea. If she’s hot and upper class and ambitious then her husband, if she finds one, will also be hot and upper class and ambitious.

Whether one does find a good spouse or not depends more on one’s orientation towards actually building relationships, and whether they can identify non-trivial traits in a partner that would contribute to that. I’d recommend thinking about ways that your partner is different from you and makes up for qualities you’re lacking yourself, as opposed to focusing on superficial similarities.

Coop’s list answers the question “what would the boyfriend of someone who looks like me look like?”. That’s a very different question from “who’s my dream bf?”